Just give me a reason

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Revision as of 20:15, 7 March 2013 by Wyc14 (Talk)

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                                                                                              A Lost    

With a red lavish high heel on the feet and a luxurious leather bag on her wrist, Rose is walking slowly in this deep alley. More precisely, she is wandering around this filthy neighbourhood. It is Christmas Eve, but there is no sign of Christmas here. No Christmas trees, no mistletoes nor the reindeers. The only indication of Christmas that Rose notices are some ragged red ribbons hanging on the trees. The stink here makes her frown her pretty brows; she feels like an alien who just fall onto the earth accidentally. WYNNIE: you are contradicting yourself.  From your description, you indicate that there are no physical signs of Christmas, but there are red ribbons (physical object).  Are you trying to communicate that the environment had no Christmas spirit/atmosphere? 

She despises the people here so much that she does not even want to take a glance on their faces. WYNNIE: why does she hate those people so much?  What did they do to her? Some of them are squatting on the street and looking at the front with no expression on their faces, some others are going ahead aimlessly under the shabby clothes while Rose sweeps her eyes over them. She covers her nose with her tender hand, trying to hold her breath. She unconsciously starts to grasp her handbag more firmly while she keeps speeding up her paces. Evidently Rose does not fit in this environment so well.WYNNIE: in what way does she not fit in? However, what baffles Rose is that the alley is not ubiquitous with garbage; there are still children’s laughing floating here; those people are poor while not desperate about their own lives. At this time, an ear-piercing ringtone of phone echoes in the alley. Neither of the ringtone nor the phone matches this small alley. They are so harsh for this destitute neighborhood. When the ringtone starts to catch more and more attention from the people in the alley, Rose quickly picks up her phone. WYNNIE: you spent over four sentences to essentially explain the phone rang and she picked up her phone.

WYNNIE: the first two paragraphs can be tightened up a bit. Your use of adjectives are awkward as they don't match to what you are attempting to describe.

“Hey mum, what’s up? “ A smile naturally emerges on Rose’s face.
“Honey, I just want to remind you of the dinner tonight, in case you forget.”
“Of course I will not forget mum, it is Christmas Eve.”
“I am glad that you are not stuck by your work this year. You know that your
dad and I are both looking forward to seeing you tonight. We all miss you
“I miss you too mum. I will be there on time tonight, don’t worry.”
Rose speeds up her footsteps even more after she hangs off the phone. She was born with golden spoon in a family with parents who are both doctors. Now she is a doctor as well due to the profound impact of her parents. She wonders whether she will end up walking in this alley or not if she is not lost in this new city today.

WYNNIE+MF: why is she wandering around this alley and neighborhood? WHAT KIND of doctors are she and her parents?

All of a sudden, there is a young crying voice screaming at the end of the alley. “Help! Somebody help! My dad just had a heart attack! He is not talking to me now! Somebody help!”A little girl is trembling beside her unconscious father, who seems so innocent and helpless at this moment. ''MF: how does the girl know it's a heart attack? WYNNIE: your sentence structure is confusing here.
It is not difficult for Rose to hear the scream, and she notices the unconscious person lying on the ground following that little girl’s wail. WYNNIE: wailing, screaming, crying are different things, and you used it to describe the same action the little girl is doing, which one is it exactly?  You also explained the scene twice of the unconscious father. Without a single second of hesitation, Rose quickly takes off her high heels and drops off her expensive handbag. Beyond the expectation, she dashes to that father and daughter with her bare feet. WYNNIE: what expectation? You are making assumptions that readers know the expectation you are talking about... She kneels down on the ground and checks the condition of the father skillfully when she arrives to them. The father is in a coma and has a very weak pulse. Rose asks the people around her to call the ambulance while she is doing the cardiopulmonary resuscitation on the father at the same time. She repeats the cardiopulmonary resuscitation and the artificial respiration on the father, again and again until he has a relatively steady pulse. The little girl is just standing beside Rose with a shaking body because she is too scared to say a single word. The whole crowds of people around Rose also hold their breath and remains silence until the ambulance arrives. WYNNIE: your adjectives...please revise them!

After all the mess, Rose stands up and walks away from this alley, leaving the people who are trying to speak to her behind. Unfortunately, Rose does not realize that she has dropped off her handbag when she dashed to the father until she is trying to get a taxi to home.
“How hilarious.” MF: seems like a very strange thing to say' Rose gently shakes her head with a bitter laugh on her face. There’s a lot of dust on her pants and coats, which makes her seem battered. And now she does not even has the money for taxi. Rose’s mother comes out and pays the taxi fare for Rose when Rose arrives outside the house. She is shocked when she sees her own daughter coming out of the taxi without shoes on.
When the night finally falls, the whole family is having a warm and nice dinner together around a sumptuous marble dining table. Rose is helping her mum set the table for dinner while the doorbell rings. A man is standing outside the door when Rose opens the door. He is wearing a worn coat and his pants have many patches on them. In one of his vigorous and crude hand, it is a handbag! It is a handbag that is tooshining and expensive to be his. Rose is startled when she realizes that it is her handbag in his hand.
WYNNIE: shining is not an adjective. '''''''''''''Your choice of adjectives are odd, don't just plug words in, as the way you are using them do not match their actual definition.
“Hi, my name is Jack. I believe it belongs to you.” He gently hands over the bag to Rose.
“I saw your driving license inside your purse, hope you don’t mind. And you saved a person today, which was very respectable. We admire your professionalism.” His voice is gentle and nice, opposite to his appearance. MF: the dialogue doesn't seem natural
This time, Rose is completely at a loss that she takes over her bag without being able to say a word. She sees into those clear eyes, there’s nothing inside. They are too clear to feign her.
“Thank you. Saving person is my job, nothing to brag about. ” Rose opens her mouth in a daze.
He just lightly nods his head and then turns back, preparing to leave.
“Wait, you can join us for dinner, if you don’t mind.” Eventually, Rose speaks
out the thing that she wants to speak most tonight.
WYNNIE: restructure this sentence.
He turns back again, smiling at her.
“Thank you. I would like to.”
It is Christmas Eve, it always should be about gathering and smiling. That father and daughter might not be able to gather anymore if Rose did not get lost today. WYNNIE: to gather? your choice of words makes this sentence very odd... A lost has created another chance for them. In fact, everyone has the right to be a happier person, as long as you are willing to help. MF: this ends with a platitude, which is not very satisfying for an ending, it's too much like a greeting card or something. Saying someone is born with a silver spoon (in their mouth) is judgmental and it's better to just show these peoples' lifestyles. Explain why Rose was in this area to begin with, walking around alleys at night etc. Also, instead of everyone acting so perfectly nice in the holiday spirit, add some gritty realism to this story, since it feels too idealistic throughout

''''Wynnie: Watch your grammar throughout the writing - decide if you want to write in past or present tense.'''' Please go over your use of adjectives, sentence structure!