IAT313 linear narrative writing project - draft
Emma Li 301139758
This morning is normal, Ann is sitting in the corner, looking at everyone in the house. John, as usual, practicing singing. Aubrey has been looking at that piece of paper in his hand, and grumbling something to himself all morning.The rest are doing their own things as usual.
At this time, the door opens. A new guy comes in. Everyone turns and looks at him. His face goes red, and looks anxiously. If he is not in that body, he would be a girl definitely. So, call him a “she” might be more appropriate.
MF: who are these people? where are they? are they related? what century or country is this? very vague writing, I can't imagine anyone or anywhere, people are more than names, and spaces need to be described to be imagined
After few days, he was taken to the room with the doctor.
The doctor set up his recorder. “Sorry that I could not be here to see you last week. How have you been? Still getting use to here?”
“Emm, it’s fine. I feel scared at night, but fortunately, my brother is here for me.”
“She” thinks she has a brother. It is true that “she” has a brother, but before “she” was born, he was dead already. Interesting thing is, when “she” was little, “she” knew that she had a brother, and then, “she” started to believe there is a brother who care about her. After “she” killed her boyfriend, “she” insists that was her brother killed him for her.
MF: very unclear what is going on with all these gender scare quotes, be more vivid, concrete, descriptive
“So, your brother is here too?”
“Yea, he loves me. So he will be with me forever.”
MF: this dialogue is not naturalistic or believable
“Can you tell me where is your brother now?”
“I don’t know where is he, but I know he will come to find me.”
The doctor turned, and looked at the gray walls, felt cold suddenly. “I want to know, was it you killed your boyfriend, or your brother killed your boyfriend, or your brother made you to do so?”
“She” bowed her head and falls into silence.
“You know that was your fault too. If you can’t prove it was your brother, I’m afraid that I can’t help you anymore. That’s what you are hoping for?”
MF: don't write about murder so casually, you treat it like buttering toast. Create some intensity, atmosphere, try to put some kind of image in your reader's mind
“She” finally lift her head, and almost cried, “I don’t know why you don’t believe me. I have a brother, for real. But, he never talks, it’s like no one can see him. I don’t know what happened, please believe me.” Then, “she” started to cry.
He could not ask her more question that day. After sent her back to her room, he asked the permission to do all day observation recording.
According the recording, the first two nights was normal. On the third day, “she” was woken by someone. “She” was trying hard to wake up. For a moment, “she” was blanked out. And then, “she” was so excited and leaned forward. “She” surrounded herself with her arms. At the same time, the expression on her face changed. It is obvious, that is a man. A man fits this body. “She” does not have a brother. That is her another personality. MF: I guess you're getting at some kind of multiple personality disorder? Hinting at something like this vaguely can be very confusing
About a month after, “she” disappeared, but they just started the treatment. It must not be the medicine’s work. The doctor request to meet him.
“Where is she?”
“There was three people living in the big palace. They were happy. One day, a monster got in the palace. So, two of them had to fight with the monster to protect the little one. But, the monster was too strong, one was killed by it. Before he died, he asked the other one to protect the little one, and defeat the monster. At that time, the little one didn’t even know the existence of the monster. So, he used the palace to fight with the monster, and prevent the monster to find out about the little one. Finally, the monster found the little one, and killed her.” MF: the writing here is again, very general, abstract, impossible to visualize, not impactful
“She never mentioned that she has two brothers.”
“She was young, she could not figure out which is which, and we are alike.”
“I don’t understand. Why bother to create a personality same as the existing one?”
“He was lonely since his father’s death. No one cared about him, and even laughed at him. So, he created me. He swears that he would treat his children well. But, he can’t wait. He created her after me.”
“What do you want to do now?”
“I just want revenge.”
“I can’t kill it, but I can die with it.”
“It is treatable. If you can make the monster to be a new personality, we can...”
“Give me some time, please.”
Few days later, he committed suicide.
“I just want revenge.”
MF: I don't care about these people at all, they are just types in generic settings with abstract discussions circling about, create something more vivid and concrete for the reader to imagine